Panic attack: Live!
This is probably a bit weird for you, it certainly is for me; but I am on the very edge of a panic attack. RN. IRL. My first thought would usually be to reach for the audio books, or Netflix, or to go hunting for carbs - but instead I reached for my laptop, loaded up my blog and here I am.
So why's this happening?
In short, no idea. I haven't been feeling particularly anxious today. I was bitten by a dog earlier though (not my own), and I was watching some ridiculous YouTube videos earlier that escalated into the borderline terrifying... There was a point in the day that I was worried about whether or not I could have lung cancer - and that did kind of take over for an hour or so; but all in all, it has been a fairly mild day mental health wise. Anxious with a chance of meatballs, or whatever.
Before all this nonsense (though I have no idea whether this was the trigger or an early symptom) there was like a buzzing/vibrating in my ear. IDK. It felt like what I imagine an earthquake to feel like, but it was actually happening in my right ear. Immediately I tensed up. And it happened again.
I remembered a story my friends Becky told me once that always rears its head at times like these. It goes like this: Becky had a distant relation who died. She was 15ish, and that morning she woke up and told her mum she "felt weird". She was dead by the afternoon.
I do feel weird. I convinced myself. I suddenly felt REALLY dizzy and frightened and I realised I had been clenching my jaw and digging my nails into my palms. I'm so scared of dying, I think about it multiple times a day.
I have these tiny moon shaped marks now on the palms of my hands now. And you know what else I have? Heartburn. I always get a whole bunch of horrible sicky symptoms when I'm anxious. There's also a pain in my forehead that I am convinced could burst any second. And, even though I have been here 5,000,000,000,000 (I don't even know that number) times before, there's still a big part of me that isn't sure whether or not this is anxiety. Would anxiety make my ear hurt this much? Surely not.
I feel really feverish and horrible, and I'm starting to fear that I've never been anxious ever in my life, but that it has always been some rare brain disease building up slowly inside me - and that it's finally reaching its crescendo and I might genuinely die before I even hit Save & Publish. Maybe I have a tropical disease or a brain artery that is about to blow. I'm so scared.
Seriously, this room is boiling. I want to open the window but I'm half paralysed and half thinking about that moment in Sex and the City when that girl falls out of the window after saying "I'm so bored I could die." And it's so warm!
I also haven't been able to stop thinking about Tommy Cooper all night and I've managed to forge myself a new phobia in the space of an evening. I'm not even sure what it is I'm going to have to avoid all my life. Stages? Heart attacks? Stand up comedy? Costumes? Audiences? What is it that I'm so afraid of? Maybe it's just that it was a rude reminder that death IS real.
I spend so much of my time trying to distract myself from thinking about death at all, that I think that sometimes I almost convince myself that it isn't real in the slightest. That it definitely isn't a future that we all (including me) will need to face at some point - whether we're ready to or not. Wow. I'm typing fast. It's like I can feel the adrenaline in my hands. Like fire under my skin. I'm not sure I can feel my left hand at all actually - but I'm 99% sure that it's just the panic and not a stroke.
Is my heating actually on?
I'm burning up. My friend left a bottle of sprite here earlier and even though I hate the thought of drinking pop this late at night (esp as I've already brushed my teeth once), I feel like braving the stairs and the fridge to curl up on the sofa with my dog and a cold drink is ABSOLUTELY the little win I need right now.
A change of scenery. Something to consume, rather than be consumed by. A companion. Netflix and chill (and no one has ever meant that in a less sexy way ever).
Forgive me for not editing this post at all - I think it would detract from its truth.