I've got 99 problems...

…And most of them are legitimate worries, rooted in past decisions and an inherent failure on my part to tackle the things that make me anxious sooner. Am I a rapper?

Really though, I’ve been wanting to do this Jay-Z tribute for like 10 whole minutes, so I’m going to try and list all of the problems I have RIGHT NOW and see if I can get to (or stop at) 99.

(Trigger warning: contains non-graphic mention of rape, domestic abuse, self harm, eating disorder and some medical terminology)

  1. I only have 1 bra left that fits me and bras are expensive

  2. I’m broke

  3. I have mounting debts

  4. I was supposed to call the council and I didn’t

  5. My menstrual cycle is fucked up and I barely ever get periods

  6. I have crippling anxiety and PTSD

  7. I can’t get my merch artwork to upload correctly

  8. My recording schedule is wild

  9. I’m worried that this project is too much for me

  10. Brexit

  11. I’m super sensitive to noise and there are children yelling outside

  12. My vibrator has a touch swipe for speed and is forever being slowed by my thigh

  13. My furniture is still all in my old house so my clothes are all over the floor and it’s not cute

  14. I haven’t washed my hair in 6 days

  15. I have a growing list of ailments to bring up with the doctor

  16. It takes me like a week to build up to calling the doctor

  17. I don’t drink enough water

  18. I have a UTI (possibly linked to 17)

  19. Sometimes I worry that my PTSD makes me less lovable

  20. July 17th will be 10 years since Mum died and I wanted to go to Finland but can’t afford to

  21. I am also apprehensive about how I’ll react emotionally to the day

  22. I have serious imposter syndrome

  23. I don’t understand how to make instagram work for my brand. Like at all

  24. I keep seeing Stranger Things Series 3 spoilers and I haven’t watched it yet

  25. I accidentally hurt one of my closest friends

  26. I am so gassy today

  27. I’m nervous about starting counselling

  28. I love music but it triggers my PTSD

  29. I am an extrovert but I have crippling social anxiety

  30. I need to buy foundation and want to switch brands but don’t know which (cruelty free) is best

  31. I’m running really low on diet coke

  32. I’m apprehensive about the possibility about facing my abuser in court

  33. Talking about the abuse has triggered a lot of memories I was keeping at bay

  34. I have an increasing number of e-mails I don’t feel equipped to reply to

  35. I broke girl code

  36. I’m shit at putting myself first so I’m paying rent at 2 properties

  37. I’ve spilled grey gloss paint down my favourite jumper

  38. Doug can’t politely greet other doggos so has to go to school to curb his enthusiasm

  39. We live with a cat now and she loves me but hates Doug

  40. I keep getting calls from numbers I don’t know and I’m too scared to answer

  41. I have really bad acid reflux

  42. My sound recording keeps getting interrupted by my mental health and/or seagulls

  43. I feel guilty about buying a new microphone

  44. I’m going through a really rough time with my sleep and it’s affecting my days

  45. My maternal grandfather keeps having health scares and angina and I’m worried for him

  46. There a little niggling things starting to go wrong with my MacBook, which I can’t afford to replace

  47. I will probably never be able to afford to go to Disney World again

  48. I’m juggling so many projects right now and it’s fun but scary

  49. There is a hair on my chin and I can’t find my tweezers

  50. I’m scared of going for a smear since the abuse

  51. PTSD makes it sometimes hard for me to trust the ones I love the most

  52. I feel anxious about how many clothes are going into landfill

  53. And about animal testing

  54. And guilty about the fact that I have contributed to both these things in one way or another

  55. I worry that my ex is somehow stalking me through my iPhone

  56. I am totally paranoid that my BF’s family (who I live with) can see what I Google…

  57. …and that they know what kind of porn I like

  58. I am recording tomorrow but I am not prepared emotionally or technologically

  59. I ordered a pair of Vivienne Westwood sandals like 4 years ago and they never arrived

  60. I’m worried my neighbour stole my Vivienne Westwood sandals

  61. I can’t believe I used to be able to afford to spend money on sandals and now I absolutely can’t

  62. I’ve committed to writing a book and I’m nervous about it

  63. I’m starting to get an earache

  64. In the near future I might live in a country where Boris Johnson is PM

  65. I can’t blend my eyeshadow or cut my crease

  66. I am too whimpy to pluck my eyebrows

  67. Someone in my family made a horrible joke about my self harm scars

  68. Someone else in my family said it’s “better to be raped by someone you know”

  69. I’ve been sitting down for too long and my knee hurts

  70. I have been working for 10 hours straight and I feel in the flow but I’ll suffer tomorrow for it

  71. I have to move all my things out of my house in Cardiff by end of August

  72. I’ve had so much going on I’m terrible at staying in touch with people and I’m scared they hate me

  73. So far I have zero earnings guaranteed for August

  74. I still haven’t had ANY counselling or trauma therapy (it’s been 2.5 years)

  75. I missed so many work opportunities when I was afraid to leave the house, I’m scared I’ll never catch up

  76. I used to want to write fiction, but real life has majorly put me off

  77. I used to enjoy reading fiction but now I can only stomach re-reading things I’ve already read

  78. Ditto for watching films

  79. My boyfriend is as broke as me, which is kind of a fun adventure, but kind of sucky too

  80. I can’t take cute selfies

  81. I want to be able to wear crop tops but my boobs are so big they ruin my life

  82. My record player is missing a rubber band and I have no idea where to get a replacement

  83. I don’t get to spend time alone with my dad ever

  84. I obsessively worry that the people I love will die

  85. I can’t relax around alcohol anymore, so my friends end up smashed and I stay almost sober

  86. I worry about some internet scandal ruining my social media support network

  87. I’ve eaten 8 Club biscuits in the last 24 hours

  88. I literally typed that and then grabbed a KitKat

  89. I think I might be plugging the emptiness in my soul brought on by reporting my abuser by eating loads of really bad foods and I’m worried

  90. My online presence means that, if I ever fuck up my current job/brand, I will be basically unemployable

  91. I am TERRIBLE at marketing myself to brands and reluctant to accept spons so I make zero money from my blog

  92. I’ve lost a cable that is crucial to getting my work done and suspect it may be in the tip

  93. I want to get some Lion King co-ords, but frivolous spending makes me anxious

  94. I think I accidentally put an important notebook in the recycling.

  95. I can’t watch Harry Potter without crying and I’m currently watching through them with my Mum in Law so she gets to see my blubbery face every single night

  96. It makes me sad that I can never explain to my dog why we have to sometimes be apart

  97. I want to like prawns but I have tried them a million times and can’t

  98. I LOVE gin and tonic but tonic water gives me instant diarrhoea

  99. the patriarchy

Omg so I smashed that out in less than an hour, which is a little worrying. I would actually love to see similar posts from you guys (or if you don’t have a blog, just leave 99 comments below)… if you do write one, please tag me so I can read it and feel like we’re all a bit more rElAtAbLe.

Holy fucking moly.