First of all, I’d like to say just how sorry I am that you have been through what you have. It should not have happened to you. I am sorry that you were hurt by somebody who should have loved you. I know how hopeless it can be.
I don’t know where you are in your journey, but I know that you do have a future. There is a place in this world for you and it is a happy one and a safe one. I used to desperately try to look ahead, to try and see some light, but all I saw was a void; a blank space where a future should be. I can see light now. I promise you.
It has taken me so long to get to where I am and there are still days I feel suicidal, days I fight the urge to self harm and days that I feel I can’t go on. Sometimes I can’t leave the house because the outside world feels too dangerous. But I know now that I am safe and nothing is as important as that. You can’t build happy until you have safe.
I hope that you are safe now; physically and emotionally. I know it’s complicated. You will get there.
Remember that nobody can take away your truth. Not your abuser, not his family, not his friends, not his new partner, not your friends, not your family, not a judge. You know what happened to you and your truth is fuel.
It’s easy to become angry at the injustice of what has happened to you. I’m angry sometimes too. I’m angry for myself and for all the other survivors out there who have had precious years stolen from them. I’m also deeply aware of the fallen, the ones who didn’t make it out and who were denied their future altogether. It’s OK to be angry. Anyone who has experienced the kind of abuse you have endured has also carried anger with them.
Healing from abuse is complicated and, honestly, I don’t fucking know what ‘healed’ even looks like. I do know that healing is possible though (although turn the clock back a year and maybe I would have been less sure).
I always knew that I would never be ‘the same’ as I was pre-abuse. Always. You can’t go back to before. It’s not your job to be who you used to be, it’s your job to make peace with who you are now. It used to piss me off that I couldn’t go back to who I was.
How dare my abuser have permanently changed who I am and how I live my one life on this earth?! I was furious. But of course abuse has changed us. Of course it has. Of course it fucking has. It’s SUPPOSED to. It’s supposed to.
When you grieve for your old self (and it is OK to grieve for them), remember that your old self met your abuser. It wasn’t your fault and you most definitely didn’t deserve it, but that did happen to your old self. Don’t wish that fate upon yourself. You deserve better.
It may not feel like it, but your new self is an upgrade. Your new self is a survivor. Your new self is YOU 2.0. Your new self has a future that does not include your abuser, the old you had an abuser in theirs. Stick with who you are now, I know that you are about to achieve some amazing things.
Surround yourself with people who support you. Domestic violence taught me who my friends are. People who don’t support you aren’t necessarily bad, but they are bad for you. Distance yourself from as many of them as you can. Also, while we’re here, it’s OK to tell these people how you’d like to be supported – maybe what you need is time, maybe you need company, maybe you need help getting outside – ask for it.
I remember being so daunted by decisions when I was newly free. If you had asked me to choose my favourite colour or my favourite kind of music or what I wanted to do for my birthday, I would have been sent into a panic. When you spend so long basing your choices on what will get you into the least trouble with your abuser, you eventually lose sight of what real choice is.
The idea of choosing something based on preference was so alien to me that, at first, I was crippled by it. And, while being so lost and out of touch with your identity is scary, discovering yourself is fun. People from all over search the world to ‘find themselves’, it’s a very fulfilling process and one that you can now do from scratch.
I would urge any abuse survivor to take some time away from relationships and the dating game and instead to learn to date themselves. It’s important for everyone to learn about their likes, dislikes, goals and boundaries, but it is especially important for you. You are strong and you can get through this on your own, it might be scary, but you’ll feel so much better for it.
I don’t want to scare you, you’ve had enough fear to contend with, but I want you to know that taking some time to heal before you get back into the world of romance will give you a better chance of choosing a partner who is worthy of you.
Your self worth will grow as you learn to love yourself and you will not only realise that you deserve respect, but you will learn to recognise it. If you learn to keep yourself safe and happy, then you are far less likely to settle for the wrong person.
The good thing about recovery is that it’s a plain, not a path. You can move forwards, backwards, sideways or stand still. As long as you are free from abuse you will be healing, even when it feels as though you’re not.
And here’s the best part; you are going to get there. There is so much strength inside you, but you already know that. You did not get to where you are today by being weak. Think about all you have achieved so far, think about the circumstances you’ve achieved those things in. You survived in the worst of circumstances and you will thrive now that you are free.
There is no silver lining to abuse, but you will find a way to make the best of the cards you have been dealt. You will belly laugh again. You will feel safe again. You will trust again. You can even find love with a partner, I promise (I know it doesn’t seem likely right now), but you must first learn to love yourself. Fix your relationship with you. Everything else can wait.
I believe in you.
I think the silver lining to abuse is you become stronger than many people (as you say, the upgraded you). You no longer even worry about the things that seem to stress others out so much, you’re beyond that level of suffering. When you accept who you are, also, you achieve an inner peace many will never even glimpse. It was the most empowering thing ever to happen to me.
I really don’t see a silver lining to abuse. It has left me traumatised and with far more things to worry about. Being abused was the most disempowering thing that has ever happened to me. And, while I am proud of what I’ve achieved despite it, none of it is because of the abuse.
I don’t really know what to say to your comment but I am glad you feel empowered.
In my experience you do become very hardened. I see many people–adults!–getting truly angry about the most trivial things (like 50 year old men ranting about Star Wars!), and I am regularily thankful I’m not like that. I certainly grew and matured much, as a person, once I stopped taking the blame for who I was and just accepted I was a victim of serious abuse.
In my own case, accepting I will never be a strong man (due to the abuse) paradoxically seemed to make me far stronger. I think many men and women are often subconsiously battling against unrealistic expectations of theirselves, mainly through advertising and films (I certainly was); I no longer have to worry about that. It was very empowering and freeing to accept I’d never live up to those expectations.
Thank you for clarifying. It sounds to me like the power came from you. Like it was inside you all along and like you found it through healing and recovery.
From your first comment I thought you felt the power came from the abuse itself, but I think I understand what you are saying now. You have realised your strength and that’s incredible. I hope you continue to go from strength to strength.
It’s so hard to explain, without context–and I don’t feel comfortable posting such personal things in public… I found out I’m different to most men. It was the abuse that made me like this, without question, but I’m also very happy I’m like this, now I’ve accepted it is who I am. I do feel lucky in many ways that I am like this. (I’m so sorry I can’t be more specific!)
I respect it’s a very different story for the majority of abuse victims. It was just the case I read your post and responded with my own experiences, without thinking, as I would with any other blog. It was insensitive of me to do so, though—on a topic as emotive as this. And I am sorry.