How moving to the countryside helped with my PTSD

I spent most of 2020 living in a terraced house in North Wales, after moving back to my hometown the year before. The house had no garden, which hadn’t mattered before lockdown because it was so close to the seaside, but started to get to me after restrictions came into place in March.

I live with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which makes leaving the house challenging. The symptoms I experience are triggered by a fear of people, so I struggle with public places. Despite the fact that the sea was only an 8 minute walk from the house, I only managed to get there a handful of months over an 8 month period.

I developed PTSD following an abusive relationship, where I was subjected to regular violence and domestic abuse (emotional, physical and sexual). It’s made me very nervous of people, particularly strangers.

When I encounter men in the street, even at a distance, I visualise being attacked by them. Being with an abuser taught me to anticipate sudden pain that often came with little to no warning. And, while I have no real reason to distrust these men, I thought I would be safe with a man professed to love me. I wasn’t. I have absolutely no reason to suppose I am safe with these strangers.

Fresh air and exercise are important for our physical and mental health. I was getting neither.

I’ve been free from the real and immediate danger of abuse for 4 years now, but I’m not free of the effect it has had on me. The tension, hypervigilance and fear has stayed with me for much longer than I was ever with my ex.

I’ve had months of counselling, with a really kind and compassionate therapist. I worked really hard at it and it helped me feel safe within my own home again. I no longer battle suicidal thoughts every day, but I still don’t feel safe in the wider world and prefer to be at home.

I imagine the pandemic hasn’t really helped with that. Being repeatedly told by the news that I am safer at home, has really cemented the idea for me.

And I know that I am safer at home. Despite not being especially vulnerable to covid, I have no desire to catch it, to spread it through my community, to pass it on to people who are vulnerable or to be putting extra pressure on the NHS. But fresh air and exercise are important for our physical and mental health and I was getting neither.

In November 2020, we moved to a tiny rural cottage and things started to really change for the better for me. Surrounded by mountains, I have direct access to remote paths I can walk, without encountering another soul. I’m finally moving my body again and it feels so good.

I can now manage to walk the dog occasionally, relying on my partner less than before. That little bit of independence feels utterly liberating. Being able to put on my coat and venture out into the crisp country air is like a little adventure for me every single time. I’m not sure it’ll ever stop being a novelty.

On the days when I can’t manage a big walk, I can step out of my front door to be greeted by a garden full of trees and moss, not to mention the songbirds, squirrels and sheep. And on the days when I can’t manage to step outside (because they still happen, I’m still very vulnerable), I can look out of the window and take in the breath-taking mountain views we are blessed with.

I distinctly remember how scary it is to walk around public places that are full of would-be attackers. I don’t know how I’ll go about healing completely or how long that might take me. I probably won’t be able to start working at it until the country starts to recover in the pandemic. In the meantime, living somewhere I feel safer gives me some peace of mind and much needed outdoor space.

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