What to do when you find out someone you love is a victim of domestic violence

This post is for someone who wants to give practical support to someone they know who is the victim of domestic abuse while they are still in the relationship. I can’t emphasise enough that the safety of the victim is paramount and you should prioritise it over any advice in this article.

Hi, I hope you’re doing OK. Finding out that someone you love is a victim of domestic abuse is scary and I’m sure you’re feeling under a lot of pressure to do the right thing.

I often get asked by people about what they can do to support a friend, relative or loved one who they believe is the subject of domestic abuse. I am usually asked about this on Twitter and there’s a real limit to how much detail I can share in a Tweet, so I thought I’d share as much as I could here instead. It’s a long post, so please don’t feel as though you have to read it all at once. I have packed as much information and advice as I can. Thank you for reading.

If you have reason to believe someone is in imminent danger please call the emergency services now, do not delay.

The fact that you’re doing some research before you go deeper into the situation is a really good sign that you’re already handling this responsibly and maturely and have the best interests of the victim at heart. I’m really proud that you’ve come this far.

Let me start by saying that I am a domestic abuse survivor. My partner abused me and I recognised that his violent behaviour was wrong, but I was still loyal and forgiving and desperately hopeful that he might change. I opened up to a couple of people while I was still in the situation and I’ve experienced support that ranged from absolutely perfect to downright making things much harder.

I know about some of the obstacles, thoughts and feelings that might stop a victim from leaving and I know what helped me at the time.

The relationship with my abuser didn’t end in me leaving our home and seeking refuge somewhere, but it did end and I’m grateful for that. It took me around 4 days of being totally free from his presence, influence and the fear of what he might do to feel completely sure that I was going to be better off without him.

Your loved one will be better off without their abuser. But leaving is hard. Unfortunately, many victims are harmed during the process of actually leaving and violence often escalates during this period, making it a particularly dangerous time.

Depending on the vulnerability of your loved one, the complex feelings they have for their abuser, the level of co-dependency and the depth of their relationship, leaving might not seem like an option to them right now. It is still important that they feel loved, listened to and supported, however frustrating it might be for the people around them who above all else want them to be safe.

I’m sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I know it must be scary and worrying. Please be forgiving and kind to yourself while you try to navigate this very difficult emotional minefield.

Unfortunately, there is no magic map to safely get out of this situation. I’m going to try to share some of the stuff I’ve learned with you and hopefully it will help. Here are some of the things you should do if you know someone who is a victim of domestic violence.

Be a non-judgmental listener

I appreciate that it could be very upsetting to hear some of the things a domestic abuse victim might confide in you, but it is important that they have a safe person to talk to. Please be aware that this person is scared and nervous about opening up, and that they might occasionally deny things they have previously said, withdraw or downplay incidents.

Don’t let this lead you to underestimate the danger that they are in (which they might not fully understand the extent of themselves).

Wherever possible, you should point out that the violence and abuse they are experiencing is not OK and is not normal. Explain to them that they deserve to feel safe and that someone who truly loves them should treat them better than this. It’s OK for you to condemn the actions of the abuser, but don’t pressure them into agreeing with you or sharing more than they are ready to.

Be non-judgmental about the victim’s actions. Living with the threat of daily violence can make people behave in ways they wouldn’t usually. Try to refrain from blaming the victim for any part of the violence, even if they retaliated or behaved in a way that you worry might have caused the abuser’s actions to escalate. The responsibility for abuse always lies with the perpetrator.

Perpetrators will often try to justify their actions by shifting blame onto the victim and it isn’t unusual for them to try to present as the victim in the situation. Abuse exists because of an imbalance of power and it’s good to remind the victim that defending themselves physically does not make them “as bad” as the abuser.

Refrain from asking the victim why they haven’t left they abuser or pressuring them to do so. It’s OK to ask questions, of course, but be very gentle. Questions like “do you think the way they are treating you is right?” or “have you thought about leaving?” empower the victim, allowing them to consider their options without adding too much pressure.

Part of the way an abuser might coerce and manipulate their victim is to convince them that they are in some way responsible for the abuse. Perhaps this is as simple as convincing them that they drove them to it e.g. “you made me do it” or “you wind me up.” Try to stay aware of this at all times.

The victim might already feel responsible for the violence, by asking questions like “why don’t you leave?” you are adding to this feeling of responsibility, by implying that they are responsible for bringing the violence to an end. The abuser is the one who’s behaviour is antisocial, the way the victim behaves (however alien and illogical it may seem to you) is just a reaction to the horrible scenario they are in. Try to remember this during your conversations.

Arm yourself with information and resources

When someone you love is in difficulty, it’s natural to want to leap into action and help them. Unfortunately, when it comes to supporting a domestic abuse victim, a lot of the helpful things you can do are passive, continuous or reactive. If you want to do something practical to support your loved one, researching, learning and arming yourself with as much information as possible is something you can do right away.

Try to learn as much as you can about domestic abuse, how it manifests, escalates and impacts the victim. Learn about the statistics and understand how a perpetrator might control and manipulate their victims and the other people around them. It’s not an easy thing to read about, so take plenty of breaks and don’t try to do everything at once.

Make notes of important things you learn and keep them to hand for when you might need them. Although you should be proud of all the work you’re doing, try not to overwhelm victims with statistics and facts that could be scary. Remember that a victim will probably think that their abuser is special the exception to the rule and might not recognise similarities between them and other abusers. Try not to become disheartened.

There are many survivor accounts available online that you can read to understand the needs of different abuse victims. Domestic abuse is a gendered crime with an overwhelming amount of victims being women and the majority of perpetrators being men, but this isn’t always the case. Men can also be the victims of domestic abuse, women can be the perpetrators and violence can exist in non-heterosexual relationships and between family members.

Make sure the person you’re supporting knows that they aren’t alone. The Women’s Aid Survivor’s Handbook contains lots of important information that can help an abuse victim prepare themselves for leaving their abuser and learn about their rights.

Try to find out what help is available to domestic violence survivors in your local area (or the victim’s local area). Look for charities who provide support, counselling services and shelters that are open to people fleeing from abuse.

Encourage the victim to reach out for help and support. If you’re in the UK the 24-hour, freephone, National Domestic Violence Helpline is completely confidential and can be reached at 0800 2000 247. Try to find a list of helplines that are available in your area.

If you have face to face access to the victim and they are worried about their communications being monitored, let them use your phone to call helplines if needed.

Learn about how abusers monitor and stalk their victim’s through their smartphone. Encourage the victim to be safe online, using incognito browsers, deleting their messages and call history and keeping an eye out for apps that they don’t recognise on their phone. This guide is a useful place to start.

Advise the victim that they might be entitled to know about any previous allegations of abuse that have been brought against their abuser under Clare’s Law. They can request information by making a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme application online.

Do not break their confidence

Wherever possible, if someone is confiding in your about domestic abuse, you should do what you can to keep their confidence. It’s important that the victim feels they can talk to a trusted person and you should be very careful about who you trust with that information.

The last thing a victim needs is to feel as though they are the subject of gossip or that things they might say could get back to their abuser. If the abuser does become aware that they are starting to talk about their crimes, they might punish the victim or limit their contact with other people, ultimately putting them in further danger.

It’s OK for you to talk to someone you trust or a therapist about how the situation is impacting you, but try to keep identifying details to yourself unless you are completely sure that what you are saying will go no further.

Down the line, you might find yourself in a situation where you need to break the victim’s confidence in order to protect them from harm. The safety of the victim and any children they may have is paramount.

Be aware that the perpetrator might know about your conversations

You should be aware that the abuser might be aware of your conversations and know what has been said between you and your loved one.

They might be monitoring your conversations via the victim’s smartphone as mentioned above. If you have sent personal details such as your address, your telephone number, your place of work or details of your routine movements in a message to the victim, you should make a note of this and assume that the abuser might now also have this information. Try to pass important information verbally wherever possible, as spoken conversations are less likely to be monitored (although they still can be).

It’s possible that the victim has told the abuser that they have confided in your during moments of fear, misplaced trust or confrontation. It’s also possible that the perpetrator might become angry or violent towards you, if they think you are encouraging their victim to leave them.

This doesn’t mean that you should withdraw your support or withhold information from your loved one, but do practise caution, especially in written communication.

Refrain from giving ultimatums

However frustrated you become with the situation, it’s important that you don’t push a victim into situations where they feel they have to choose between the relationship with you and the one with their abuser.

Abusers work hard to keep their victims under their control and ultimatums like this are not an effective way to resolve these kinds of situations. Threatening to end your communication or support unless the victim leaves is likely only going to make them withdraw from you completely.

I understand that it’s difficult to support someone in this situation and it’s absolutely OK for you to need to take a step back if it’s affecting you or your mental health. Try to explain calmly and kindly to your loved one that you are unable to be as available as you once were because of your own health. Don’t blame them and offer an alternative source of support if you can, like a 24-hour helpline.

Keep a record of information and incidents and save evidence!

A domestic abuse victim might not have very much privacy or a safe space to keep things away from their abuser. This will be especially true if they are out of work or working from home and live with their abuser.

It’s likely that a victim will delete messages they send you in order to keep themselves safe from risk of punishment or further violence. There are things you can keep that could help any criminal proceedings that might take place down the line.

Here are some things you should save and/or keep a record of in a place that the perpetrator cannot access (be as specific as you can):

• Dates and times of any incidents that take place
• Details of violence and injuries that are shared with you
• Details of any sexual abuse that takes place
• Messages that demonstrate a pattern of abuse
• Screenshots of messages that the victim has sent to you
• Any controlling or violent behaviour that you witness taking place (include dates and times)
• Photographs of any injuries you have access to
• Any evidence that the abuser is keeping track of the victim’s movements or communication
• The contact details of the victim and perpetrator
• The full name, date of birth, other known aliases of the abuser
• The abuser’s place of work or places they frequent on a regular basis
• Addresses of family homes the abuser might return to
• Details of other potential victim’s of the abuser such as their ex partners
• Details of threats made against the victim
• Details of threats made against you or anyone else that could be in danger of harm by the abuser

Keep this information for as long as you can. There is no specific crime of domestic violence but some of the crimes inflicted on the victim by the perpetrator might still be prosecutable offences years after they have been committed.

Find practical solutions to obstacles

While I don’t recommend that you pressure the victim into leaving their abuser, it is still a good idea to help them find solutions to any obstacles that might be keeping them from doing so.

When talking to the victim, you might hear them express certain barriers that they feel are standing in the way of their freedom. Removing these barriers might not be enough to convince them to leave on their own, but it might help them find the confidence to do so when they feel ready.

There’s probably very little you can do to convince a victim that the love they feel for their abuser isn’t real or that their abuser will probably never stop being violent. So, while it’s good for you to highlight unhealthy, dangerous or criminal patterns in their relationship, you shouldn’t spend your energy focusing on the emotional obstacles in their way, but instead try to find practical solutions to the more measurable issues they are facing.

When I was with my abuser I was worried about money, about breaching the tenancy agreement on our flat, about being disbelieved, about leaving my job behind and about not being able to take my dog with me to a women’s shelter. While I can look back and see that these were all resolvable issues, they felt insurmountable and overwhelming at the time.

I was already scared to leave my abuser and the added practical worries helped keep me in place. If the victim says that they “can’t leave” try to establish the reasons why and help find solutions to any possible problems.

Financial obstacles
Try to find out about local grants or financial support available in the area. Encourage the victim to set aside small amounts of money that the abuser cannot access if possible. If you have the financial means to help, make sure they know you would be happy to send them money for transport or a some temporary accommodation. If they are financially dependent on their abuser, find out about benefits that they would be eligible for if they were independent of their abuser.

Health related obstacles
Perhaps the victim is dependent on their abuser for support with a health condition or disability. Try to establish what support is needed and find alternative sources for that support. Reassure the victim that you will make a plan to ensure that their health doesn’t deteriorate and that ultimately they will be safer, happier and healthier without their abuser. There are various services available that will provide a variety of support to people in need, find out which would benefit your loved one specifically. If you’re not sure where to start, contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau.

Children or dependents
When establishing plans for escape, make sure you include the needs of any children or other dependents. Charities like Women’s Aid will help create a plan that ensures the safety of children while facilitating an escape plan. Try to keep information shared with children on a need-to-know basis. Young children might feel obligated to tell their abusive parent about any secrets they have been asked to keep from them, especially if they are afraid. Be aware that the risk of violence rises when a victim leaves their abuser and this should also be taken into consideration when securing the safety of any children involved.

Pets
Unfortunately most shelters for domestic abuse victims are unable to house pets. As I mentioned earlier this was a huge concern of mine as I have a deep bond with my dog and didn’t want to leave him behind. If the victim is planning to stay with a friend or relative, make sure that they can also accommodate any pets. If the victim is going to be staying at a shelter, make alternative arrangements for their pets. Leaving a pet with an abuser should be avoided wherever possible.

Leaving their job
If possible, advise the victim to be open with their employer about the situation. Their workplace might have policies in place that can protect and support them throughout this process. Find out. Leaving a job is a big scary decision but one that should be made if it lowers the risk of harm a victim might face. If the victim plans to relocate, try to help them find suitable work in their new area or find another service that could help with this.

Ending a tenancy agreement early
In some circumstances, a victim might leave their abuser and be financially liable for rent and bills on the home they leave behind. Seek independent advice on how they might manage this situation but ultimately reassure them that the inconvenience this could cause will be far less detrimental than the danger they are now in. Citizens Advice Bureau or charities like Shelter might be able to help you here.

Worries about not being believed
Although it’s natural for a victim to worry that they won’t be believed when they speak out or if they report their abuser to the police, it’s important to reassure them that the majority of people will offer compassion, sympathy and kindness when hearing their experience. Police are duty bound to protect victims of abuse and will do what they can to keep a victim safe. Reporting an abuser to the police will help ensure a victim’s safety, but unless there is imminent danger, it is something that a victim can think about after they are safely away from their abuser.

Worries about being tracked down by their abuser
An abuser is all powerful in the eyes of their victim. While they might overestimate what their abuser is capable of, it’s important to remember that their concerns are legitimate. Make sure that the safety of the victim (and any children) remains at the centre of any plans you make together.

Other obstacles
There are potentially thousands of different obstacles a victim sees between themselves and a safe, happy life, free from abuse. I can’t account for them all in this post, but you should try to understand what they are and alleviate as many of their concerns as possible. Thank you for working hard to protect your loved one, I remember how it feels to be in their position and I’m grateful for people like you.

Coded communication

When you are able to speak with the victim privately, it’s a good idea to establish a code that could help you share information when communication is being monitored.

Try to balance the need for different messages to be conveyed with the simplicity that is necessary for you both to remember. Reiterate the code whenever you are alone. Write it down if necessary but remember that they might not be able to do the same.

Remember that a code should be as seamless and tough to spot as possible.

Some things to consider including:
Ways to identify that the abuser has eyes/ears on the conversation:
A specific greeting like Heya could be reserved only for situations when the conversation is being overlooked or overheard.

Ways to identify that you are talking to the victim and not the abuser in messages:
A fluid pattern is best here as an abuser who is posing as the victim will try to identify previously used words/phrases. Consider asking the victim to start every conversation with the next letter of the alphabet from the last or ask them to mention a food craving or backpain in their initial response to the question “how are you?”

A code word for meeting:
Pre-arrange a place to meet if a specific word is mentioned in conversation. This could be a business near their home where you would pick them up if necessary. Make sure it’s a word that wouldn’t come up in a normal conversation.

A word that means danger:
This is the most important part of the code, so make sure you establish a word that should only ever be used in case of emergency. Pick a word neither of you would usually use. Call the police if your loved one sends this word, however tempting it is to go to their aid yourself.

Make sure that you let the victim know that they can ask for Annie (ANI – Action Needed Immediately) from emergency services or in a Boots pharmacy to alert the staff to the fact that they need a safe private space to call the police. Read more about that here.

Agree on a plan for emergencies

You should establish ways that the victim can let you know they are in immediate danger (with a code word or gesture) but make sure you also keep an eye out for signs. You shouldn’t solely rely on the victim to alert you and you should never wait for the code word if you have reason to believe that they could be in danger.

You can agree on an emergency plan in advance with the victim, but should call the police if you think their life is at risk, whether or not this has been agreed.

Help create an escape plan

An escape plan should be separate to an emergency plan and should be agreed with the victim ahead of time if possible. Remember to factor children and any dependents into the plan.

Some things to consider in advance:

• Is there a safe place the victim can meet you or someone else they trust?
• Where can they find money for a taxi or transport fare, if they need it?
• Can they take a taxi to a place that can be paid for on arrival?
• Offer to keep copies of important documents like passports, birth certificates or bank details at your house
• Keep telephone numbers of the victims friends and family safe so she can contact them if she needs to leave her phone behind
• Remind them that a smartphone can be tracked and monitored with spyware and cloning software
• Are they able to set up a secret bank account, PayPal or similar and keep it hidden from their abuser
• Is there a time when the abuser is away from home? It’s easier and safer to leave without the abuser being present, although not always possible.
• If there is an available window of time when it is relatively safe to leave, can someone help with transporting children, pets and belongings? Even if this is the case, they should move as quickly as possible and not disclose the plan to neighbours or anyone who might alert the abuser.
• Make sure a victim knows exactly where they can go if they leave their abuser.
• Once a victim has got to safety, make sure they have adequate shelter and support
• Keep a bag of essentials in a safe place for the victim to retrieve (this could be a locker, friend’s house or a hidden spot within walking distance of their home)

Have a plan that extends beyond leaving the abuser

Depending on how far in advance your loved one plans to leave their abuser, you might have time to make a plan that extends beyond the initial escape to safety and helps ensure them a secure future.

Here are some things they might need:

• The financial means to access transport, accommodation and food for at least a few days
• Clean clothes
• Toiletries
• Important documents (or copies if the originals aren’t accessible)
• Medication
• Supplies for any children, dependents or pets they have with them
• A new mobile phone if possible (this minimises the risk of being tracked and monitored)
• A new mobile number
• A list of contact details for their friends, family, employer and services they might need in the coming days
• A checklist of further steps to help them get set up in their new life

Even if an abuse victim has left their abuser to stay with a friend or relative, it’s important that they contact their local authority as soon as possible to register for help with things like housing.

The victim will need to have a bank account to claim benefits like Universal Credit, if they don’t already have one you should help them set one up.

Make sure that the victim is careful about sharing their whereabouts with people who might know their abuser or even online. When the victim moves to a new permanent address, if there is any chance their abuser might try to find them, they should opt out of being on the public electoral register.

Find suitable refuge

After leaving their abuser, the victim should stay at an address that is unknown to them. This could be a shelter, friend’s house, hotel, AirBnb, etc.

The people who know their whereabouts should be kept to a minimum. This is to minimise the risk that he abuser will track down the victim and harm them or manipulate them into going back to the home they’ve escaped.

There are organisations who can help find a suitable home for victims fleeing domestic violence. Find out what’s available in your area and contact them as soon as possible.

Don’t underestimate the danger the abuser could pose

Unfortunately, a victim might underestimate the threat an abuser poses. You should not. They might assert that their abuser wouldn’t harm you or your family or that they wouldn’t attack a stranger. Try not to take these assessments as fact.

When I started writing this list, I wondered whether my abuser would have attacked someone who was helping me escape. I concluded that they would not, before reminding myself that I simply could not know that for sure. Although I lived with him, I consistently underestimated what he was capable of and regularly believed I was safe when I wasn’t.

Abusers often escalate violence when they feel they are losing control over their victim and 75% of all serious injuries in abusive relationship occurs when the survivor ends the relationship.

Sudden escalation is not uncommon and any threats should be taken seriously. Some abusers kill their victims. Victims might not know what to look out for, but there are some signs that an abuser might be more likely to kill their victim (although absence of these doesn’t guarantee they won’t).

Signs an abuser might kill their victim:

• More frequent or more intense physical attacks
• Presence of guns or weapons
• History of choking/strangling victim in the past
• Extreme jealousy
• Expresses suicidal thoughts
• Has threatened to kill victim
• The victim believes that the abuser is capable of killing them

Don’t put yourself in harm’s way

While it is important that you help your loved one leave this situation, it’s also important that you don’t put yourself in harm’s way to do so.

You should always call the police and let them handle situations that could be dangerous. Trying to resolve the incident yourself could cause further harm to the victim and you could also be attacked.

Discourage your family and friends from taking justice into their own hands and instead focus on supporting your loved one and helping them get out of the relationship as quickly and safely as possible.

If you are known to the abuser, think carefully before agreeing to house the victim and their dependents and only do so if you are sure that there is no risk that the abuser will show up at your home which could be distressing and/or dangerous.

Get support for yourself too

I haven’t been in your shoes, but I imagine it’s an incredibly stressful and worrying situation to be in. You don’t have to try to cope with this on your own. There’s no shame if you also need help and support getting through this.

Consider talking to your GP about accessing counselling to help you process your own feelings about the events that have taken place.

Prioritise rest, recovery and self care. Make sure that you don’t neglect your own needs or mental health, although I’m sure that this will take a toll.

Encourage your loved one to report their abuser to the police

Your loved one might be very scared to report the abuser to the police. They could be afraid of repercussions from the abuser or their family. It’s likely that they still care for their abuser’s wellbeing and they might even feel guilty about the prospect of reporting them to the police.

While this might seem illogical to you, it’s important that you don’t put pressure on the victim. This is a time when they will be very scared and vulnerable. You should do what you can to help them feel like they have some control over the situation and the decision to report their abuser.

Victim Support can provide confidential support and information about reporting.

Do not take the decision out of their hands unless you think someone could be in immediate danger.

You might also consider reporting the perpetrator yourself if the victim is incapable of making this decision because of extenuating circumstances e.g. they are diagnosed with dementia or have a serious injury.

Reporting an abuser is a stressful, difficult thing to do and cases can take a long time to resolve. You shouldn’t pressure the victim to report at all, but you gently encourage them and let them know that you will continue to support them through this process.

The police are trained to respond effectively and sensitively to survivors of domestic abuse. Once they know about a perpetrator, they can take steps to ensure the victim is kept safe from further harm. On interviewing a suspect, the police will advise them to keep their distance from the victim(s) and they will be warned not to make contact.

Domestic Abuse often includes crimes such as assault, stalking, coercive control, criminal damage and sexual assault. You can report a crime online via the Metropolitan Police.

Resources

Government guidance on getting help for domestic abuse during the Covid-19 pandemic

National Domestic Violence Helpline
Freephone 24-hour domestic abuse helpline 0800 2000 247

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Domestic Violence helpline working to end violence and abuse in the US.

Victim Support
Resources and support available for victims of crime

Women’s Aid
National charity working to end domestic abuse and violence against women in the UK

Welsh Women’s Aid
National charity in Wales working to end domestic abuse and violence against women.

Stonewall
Domestic violence and abuse resources for LGBT+ people

Refuge
Support for survivors of domestic abuse running a range of services

Respect (previously Men’s Advice Line)
Confidential helpline for male victims of domestic abuse and those supporting them

AVA Project
Independent charity fighting gender based violence throughout the UK

Safe Lives
A UK wide charity working towards ending domestic abuse for everyone

Citizen’s Advice Bureau
A network of independent charities offering free advice online, over the phone and in person

Shelter
Shelter is a national homes charity who can provide support and advice to those with housing issues

Samaritans
Free confidential helpline for anyone who needs to talk available 24-hours, 365 days a year

NSPCC
The UK’s leading children’s charity, available to provide support to children who need help.

RSPCA
The RSPCA helps protect animals in England and Wales

Mind Charity
The UK’s leading mental health charity

Alcohol Change UK
Leading alcohol charity formed from the merger of Alcohol Concern and Alcohol Research UK

Talk to Frank
Information about drugs and substance misuse

Step Change
Free debt advice for people who are concerned about money and need help to find a solution

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