Like many people, I spent a long time waiting for and wanting counselling. But, when the time came for my first session, I still felt incredibly nervous and unsure. This week, I had my 9th session of a total of 12 and, despite not wanting it to ever end, I thought I’d look back over my journey so far and reflect on the things I’ve learned.
Here are 10 things I’ve learned in counselling so far:
#1 I was not prepared for counselling
It turns out that spending a long time waiting for counselling and learning about the counselling process is not enough to prepare you for counselling itself. I thought I was prepared for counselling, but it turns out that there isn’t really any such thing are “being prepared”.
I’ve learned now that no amount of understanding the principles of counselling or learning about it in theory is comparable to actually going through counselling. It has made a huge amount of difference to me. I am already so much more confident, calm and sure of myself.
If you’re nervous about starting counselling, you might want to read what to expect from person centred counselling.
#2 Counselling is hard work
It can also be incredibly triggering. Some time around session 3, I found myself battling intense urges to self harm. I lost that battle for a moment and relapsed, thankfully only one time. When I brought this up with my therapist, she was so reassuring and validating.
My counselor told me that it’s incredibly common for people to relapse after the first couple of sessions of counselling. I was confronting some really difficult thoughts, memories and feelings and unpicking some of the trauma knots that were wound really deep. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.
Counselling is such hard work. If you do it properly. And you really should.
By putting the emotional labour in, you can really start to unpack some lifelong issues and finally put them to bed. Of course it’s hard work, the things we are trying to resolve are deeply ingrained in us and some of them rock back all the way to childhood – they’re not going to be easy to fix, but that doesn’t mean they should be ignored.
#3 You do have to be ready for counselling
Despite there not being any one definitive and universal thing that we can do to prepare ourselves for the counselling process, we do have to be in a place where we feel ready for it. It took me over 10 years to feel ready for bereavement counselling!
I’ve got a lot out of counselling so far, but you really do get what you put in. I can’t say how well or badly it might have gone in the past, but I do know that this was the perfect time for me personally to take on this part of my mental health journey.
I really did go into counselling ready to trust, ready to be open and ready to talk about my past. I don’t think it could have come at a better time for me.
#4 Bringing up counselling stuff outside of counselling is a big deal
And it’s irreversible.
Things will come up in counselling that involve other people in your life. You might feel that bringing up some of this stuff could provide you with an element of closure that you need to move forward. Please think long and hard before you do this. You can’t take it back.
I’ve brought up a few minor things with people (usually not the people that they were even about) and it hasn’t gone well once. I’ve had someone betray my confidence and tell others what I have said and that really shook one of the most important relationships I have.
Thankfully, as counselling progressed and more serious incidents came up, I had already learned that counselling was best kept to counselling. It’s difficult, but you can move forward and forgive without the other person’s input – and you can also cut people loose and move forward without them. I’m going to do a longer post about this soon, so if it’s something you feel you’d benefit from reading, please follow me on Twitter to stay updated.
#5 Most of the work is done outside of counselling
My counselling sessions are just 60 minutes per week and, although they are intense and powerful, they don’t make up the bulk of the healing work – this is done in between the sessions.
Sometimes I learn really powerful things about myself during the sessions themselves, but these lessons wouldn’t be anywhere near as useful, if I didn’t adapt and apply what I’ve learned in my life outside of counselling.
Consciously applying what I’ve learned in counselling to the rest of my life is actually not as hard as I thought it would be. Just pausing to think about things in context has been really useful for me. It also means being able to go into the next session and build on the previous one, rather than just circling around the same issues.
#6 I am capable of making my own decisions
My say is final. I do not need to consult with anybody before I make decisions that affect only me. This is my one life and any choices that I make are valid.
I didn’t know this before counselling.
I had to grow up really fast and I think I missed some of the steps that come with a gradual progression from childhood into adulthood and so I’ve struggled with accepting myself as a valid adult and human being. Counselling has helped me realise that I am the only person who can choose for myself and anything other than that is going to leave me feeling unhappy and resentful.
#7 My trauma goes back further than I thought it did
I did kind of expect this. I had spoken to others about their own experience of counselling before I went on my own journey, so I was lucky enough to be at least a little bit prepared for the fact that a lot of my trauma might have roots in my childhood.
As there is an ongoing legal investigation into my abuser, I have been limited in how much I could talk about the abuse I survived, and so we mostly talked through other traumatic events that I had experienced and I learned that many of the things that made me vulnerable to my abuser in the first place go back far into my childhood.
Now, I just want to clarify that I was never abused as a child. I know that is something that has affected some of you and I don’t want in any way for people to misinterpret what I’m saying here. It’s just that my childhood was difficult and many of the events that took place in both my early upbringing and teenage years have really shaped who I am and, unfortunately, a part of that made me the perfect target for my abusive ex.
Learning about the things that have shaped me and healing from some of the painful early memories I have is an important step for me. Hopefully, it has helped me be less vulnerable to abuse in my future. It certainly has helped me learn about creating and enforcing boundaries in a way I have never understood before.
#8 Low self esteem comes in many different shades
I have some issues with self esteem, self worth and self love that I need to work on. Maybe the only reason I was unaware of them before was because I was too afraid to accept that it was a problem. But it is.
As someone who is able to work their way up to public speaking, to talk fairly openly about my experiences online and to assert my boundaries and opinions among friends, I kind of thought that I was fairly OK in the self esteem department. Turns out, no.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
That’s a quote from the Perks of Being a Wallflower and one that has resonated with me for years.
I knew logically that I deserved better than to be abused by my ex, but my low self worth stopped me from actually knowing that on a deep enough level to walk away. Unfortunately for me I had been allowing people in my life to violate my boundaries and privacy in ways with far lesser consequences for a long time and this lay the foundations for my abuser to disrespect me in ways that escalated over time until I was in daily physical danger.
A lot to process, but a really important thing for me to learn.
#9 Not everything is about me
I don’t have any issues with lack of empathy or narcissism, but I have built walls around me that stop me from seeing the full picture when someone hurts me. And so I do tend to absorb a little too much of the negativity going on around me.
While I was with my abuser, I would repeatedly forgive his behaviour by making excuses for him. And, because I did that too much and it caused me so much harm, now that I am trying to heal from the abuse, I forget to look for any of this context at all.
So someone might tell me I’m a horrible painter and instead of thinking “oh, maybe that person has had a bad day” I’ll just accept straight away that they think I am a horrible painter.
It’s a coping mechanism, for sure. But it does mean that I have a tendency to really take on a lot of the nastiness that’s thrown my way and I need to remember that other people’s opinions of me are neither my business nor my responsibility.
#10 Everyone should have counselling. Everyone.
While unpacking my traumatic experiences I have had to think about some of the things other people have said and done, as well as some of the ways that humans treat themselves and others. It’s been a lot.
Maybe the biggest takeaway I’ve had from counselling is that everybody should have it in some capacity. Seriously, go and have counselling. Especially if you don’t think you need it.
I say this not just because of the profound effect it has had on my life, but also because, by analysing my own trauma, I have stopped to think about just how many other people there must be out there not coping with their own.
Counselling is for everyone. It will make you a kinder, more calm and compassionate person and it will heal some of the wounds that you are just plastering over.
How much does counselling cost in the UK?
If you are thinking about getting counselling, I have put together some cost information on accessing counselling privately in the UK. Read about the cost of private counselling here. I hope this helps.
If you’re interested in adding more self care to your life, my daily self care routine has really helped me build some self confidence! I also wrote an important post about making the most of your good days, so that your bad days are a little bit easier.
