How being trolled ruined my relationship with social media

Guest post | This post has been written by blogger and ‘SEO Wizard’ Billie Geena

My name is Billie, and I have a weird relationship with social media and blogging. Around  3 years ago, I was brutally trolled and it ruined my relationship with myself and Social Media.

Before we delve into the trolling we need to explore my relationship with social media. I was only a teenager when social media rose into popularity. I had Myspace, Bebo, Tumblr, Habbo Hotel and then from age 13 I had access to Facebook. 

My entire youth was spent online on one social platform or another. I loved being online, something about writing to my heart’s content behind a screen made me feel so powerful. I loved being online. 

I loved being online

From such a young age, I knew my abilities lied in marketing. I thought I’d be some advertising wiz and then when I got older, I thought I’d be a social media manager. I loved being online and was so passionate about learning different platforms. 

When I was 18, I started my first blog. This was a space where a very angsty, lonely young me could vent and be herself. It was my personal space on the internet, I could say and do whatever I wanted and it wouldn’t matter because it was mine. After a couple of years or so, I realised I could make a career out of this. 

So I scrapped that blog and started Billiegeena.co.uk, this became everything to me. I met some of my closest friends at the time from this blog. Everything I did, was to turn this into a career for my self. I worked so hard on it and I was so so proud of everything I wrote and created. 

This blog and its accompanying social media accounts became everything to me. I wasn’t just Billie, I was my blog. Whenever my interests changed, my blog evolved with me. Whenever I felt lost, or unsure of who I am, I knew I was a blogger. A pretty decent one at that. 

I loved this and I liked who I was online. 

A viral news story changed everything

3 years ago, I had an unfortunate and awkward encounter at a restaurant. Which I complained about on my Twitter account. Unfortunately for me at the time, I worked at the local paper, and a journalist I worked with followed me on Twitter and saw the whole thing. They then decided to publish it on the local paper’s site. Which was then picked up by many national and international publications who made me sound like a fussy and difficult diner with a temper. 

Hours later I was inundated with emails, tweets, Facebook and Instagram messages from complete strangers telling me I was awful, fussy, disgusting. They picked apart how I looked and called me every name under the sun, in multiple languages. I was sent home from my job as in the Facebook comments on the original article they had found out where I worked and we’re apparently left threatening comments. Luckily I worked at the paper and they shielded me from a lot of it and stayed on top of removing the comments. 

I received death threats from strangers

I had messages from strangers telling me that I should just kill myself, others offering to do it for me. Others say they’d go to the restaurant to just spite me (which isn’t really spiting me, I didn’t hate the restaurant).

One comment I got, which still makes me laugh today just said: “Bitch looks like Danny Devito”. 

It was mainly people telling me that I’m an attention seeker. That I was doing it to build my blog. I would never do that. 

It instantly became too much and I felt so tiny. I cried all the time, I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything out of fear. 

For about 2/3 weeks, every time I checked my phone I burst out crying. I had so much anxiety about going anywhere or being recognised. It feels foggy to think back on now, as I was in a state of constant panic attacks. 

I had no self-esteem, I hated everything about myself, pictures that I once loved are still triggering because of the abuse they got. I see flaws that I never knew I had until strangers told me about them. 

Because of the constant abuse, I gave willing friends access to all of my social accounts and they stayed on top of deleting & blocking them, I’m so lucky that I had them to screen my messages. I deleted all of the social media apps from my phone for a long time. 

I wish it never happened to be honest but you can’t change the past. I wish I had never said anything. Truly, I regret it so much. I thought I’d be a champion for those with intolerances, but it didn’t work out that way. 

“It’s Traumatised me and I’m trying so hard to move on”

For the longest time, I had such momentum and hope for my blog. After this, I stopped using social media for a long while afterwards and I completely fell out of love with my blog. 

I only fell back in love with blogging and social media recently. But I’m still so nervous about what I post and I don’t think that’ll go away. 

Every comment on my blog, every message request and every unknown email I get puts me in an anxious spin. That’s after 3 years. 

It’s traumatised me, and I’m trying so hard to move on. I had my 15 minutes of fame and I never want it again. I’m learning to love social media again, but I don’t think it’ll ever be the same for me again. 

I’m working so hard to make my personal social platforms a community of like-minded, trustworthy people who don’t scare me. It’s a process and I’m getting there.

I do technically work in marketing now, but I could never do something so people facing like social media. I work in SEO and the technical side, so I just worry about Google. It feels safe there, I’m still learning, developing and passionate about it. But I don’t have the same anxieties these days.

Be careful what you share and be kind, always. 

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A huge thank you to Billie for writing this really personal and moving post. Social media is such a huge part of life these days – it’s so important that we can all maintain a healthy relationship and set boundaries on social media.

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