Men, here’s how you can be a better ally to women

This has been a scary week for women. A week that started with many women celebrating International Women’s Day took a sharp downwards turn and reminded us of the misogyny and violence that is a daily social reality. I’ve seen so many women sharing their stories this week and, as always, it’s bittersweet to connect to other survivors in this way.

Hearing from other survivors helps me to feel validated and less afraid, but it’s also sad and triggering. I am a domestic abuse survivor and live in fear of strangers (men specifically), which regularly makes me unable to leave the house at all. The frequency at which women are attacked and assaulted by men does sometimes make me feel like recovery is an impossible task.

Among the survivor stories I have read this week, I’ve also seen countless posts from cis men who are asking how they can help the women in their lives (and in the wider world) be less afraid. Great question. It’s important that men get involved in these conversations and learn to be better allies. To put it bluntly, you have been falling short so far. Don’t let that put you off from making positive changes and being ready to learn.

How can I help make things easier for women?

Challenging misogyny, toxic masculinity and the society wide normalisation of violence against women isn’t easy. It’s going to be uncomfortable at some point. It isn’t enough to think that you aren’t part of the problem. You have to actually become part of the solution.

Now would be a good time to start looking more closely at your own behaviour. This isn’t an exercise that is supposed to make you feel guilty or ashamed; it’s a way of making sure you’re working on improving in the ways you actually need to. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re already on this journey in some way. Build on it. You are a solid foundation.

In what ways do you benefit from the patriarchy? Do you understand the inequalities that women already face in society? Do you understand how our everyday actions uphold the inequality? In what ways have you been contributing to the problem? Do you understand what the problem is? In what ways have you previously not stepped up when you would have liked to? What stopped you? Are you treating the women in your life well? Are you listening to them? Do you accept their experiences and fears?

Thank you to the people who have been sharing their experiences over the last few days. Your openness has helped me write this and I hope this helps someone out there.

Listen to women

In the conversation about violence against women, your role is to be a listener. Listen properly. A lot of the time people are listening for their turn to speak. You don’t have a turn here. That’s not to say you have to be silent, you can offer acknowledgement and validation and understanding and you can certainly redistribute what you learn (with credit), but you shouldn’t be taking up any significant space in the conversation.

Here are some ways you can properly listen:

• Allow the women in your life proper time to talk about their experiences uninterrupted
• Ask follow up questions rather than ones that challenge what you are being told
• Commit to believing survivors as a default
• Understand that, if a woman is opening up to you, she is placing immense amounts of trust in you. Do not break that trust by being a shithead.
• Accept the boundaries set within the conversation. You are not entitled to anything more than she is willing to share.
• Read books, blogs, articles and resources written by women. Go out of your way to do this.
• Surround yourself with the voices of as many women as possible. Seek out voices from marginalised backgrounds. Learn from them.
• Actively make time and space to listen. Make sure you aren’t preoccupied or distracted. Listen with your whole self.

Do some research

You can call BS on a lot of misogyny by knowing your shit. Researching and learning about the prevalence of violence against women and arming yourself with information will help you be a better ally. Don’t rely on any one person or resource for all of your information. Aim to learn something new every day or every week.

Be gentle

Sharing our stories can make us feel empowered and strong, but it can also make us very vulnerable. Your response matters. The way you react to our experiences and emotions will shape how safe we feel in opening up in the future. Be someone who builds us up. Be thoughtful and gentle with women in your day to day life. Understand that we give men the benefit of the doubt time after time, despite often feeling afraid of them. Women have spent centuries being sensitive to the needs of men, it’s OK if you have to make some sacrifices to give us what we need to be and feel safe.

Give us space

Something practical you can do is to be mindful of our personal space. Don’t get too close to us. This is especially important when you are out in public and you don’t know what others are feeling or going through. But it is also applicable at home and with your friends. Don’t impose on us. Give us some space.

Stand back when you are walking behind us down the street. If you see us looking back to check on you or other signs that we are afraid, give us even more space. Keep your body language non threatening. If you need to speed up, cross the road and walk on the other side.

Get help for your mental health

This is a tough one because I know it isn’t always easy to access mental health support, but please do reach out for support if you need it. Taking care of your mental health is important for your own safety and wellbeing. Fostering a culture where men feel able to reach out for mental health support is important for the safety and wellbeing of all of us.

Mismanaged emotions and unaddressed trauma can often contribute to excessive anger, leaving men and those around them vulnerable. Men are less likely to reach out for support and this is something that we need to work together to change. If you can afford to pay privately for therapy, do it. You deserve recovery. Encourage the other men in your life who are struggling to seek support.

If you feel a build up of anger inside you that you are taking out on your loved ones in any way, then you need to make mental health your number 1 priority in life. Ask your GP for help, refer yourself to a charity, pay (if you can afford to) for therapy, read self help books, research online, learn about healthy coping mechanisms. Your spouse, female friend, partner, sister and mother are not your therapist. You can talk to them about your issues but you need professional help to resolve them.

Don’t centre yourselves

Sexual assault, abuse and domestic violence affects men too. We know this and I stand with survivors of all genders. All survivors are welcome in these conversations, there can be a lot of comfort in solidarity. In conversations that are specifically about violence against women, as a survivor, you are in a unique position of empathy to be able to understand how important it is to these women to have the space to share. Of course you can also share your story. All survivors deserve to be heard.

Men who are not survivors don’t need to highlight that some victims are men. We already know this. Women who are survivors probably do a lot more for the compassion, awareness and acceptance towards survivors who are men than most men do. Your input isn’t needed right now.

Teach your children about consent

Children can be taught about consent without it having to be a conversation about sex. It’s important for their safety that they all learn body autonomy from a young age. Children, like adults, shouldn’t be pressured into situations or activities that they are uncomfortable with.

Children should also learn that, when interacting with each other, they should ask permission before making physical contact with another child. “Can I give you a hug?” should be a normal part of a child’s vocabulary and can be taught to children as young as 4. Help your child set healthy boundaries and respect the boundaries of their peers. There’s more information on teaching kids about consent here.

Challenge your peers

Misogyny is so ingrained in our patriarchal society that you will encounter it among your friends, family and colleagues. It’s never easy to challenge people’s views but it’s important that you do. As a man, you are in a position of privilege to call out toxic behaviour that’s directed at women. We don’t always feel safe to.

Here are some examples of behaviours that you should call out among your peers. This is not an extensive list. These behaviours normalise misogyny and can be warning signs that someone will progress into violence. You should call them out whether or not there is a woman there to witness it.

• Gender based slurs/insults
• Uninvited comments about a woman’s body or appearance
• Sexual comments about non consenting women
• Catcalling / whistling / shouting obscenities at women
• Persistently trying to engage someone who isn’t reciprocating
• Ignoring rejection
• Signs of controlling or possessive behaviour
• Perpetuating gender roles (this is one that will come up time and time again at work)
• Sexualising women based on their race, sexuality or disability
• Sending “dick pics”
• Redistributing nudes without consent (or even showing them to you)
• Rating women based on their appearance
• Minimising violence against women or sexual violence
• Interrupting conversations about misogyny to say “not all men” or something on that line.
• Intimidating women

Stop standing by offenders

You don’t have to stand by your friend or family member when they are accused of domestic violence, rape or sexual assault. If you find out that someone you love has been accused of domestic abuse, you can choose to walk away from them for good and to show victims that there are people who believe them and value their experience enough to break connections with perpetrators.

96% of rape allegations are legitimate. Only 4% of rape allegations are found or suspected to be false. Sometimes police record “no crime” or “false” because there isn’t corroborating evidence to support the claims that a crime has taken place. Sometimes the crime has been suspected by a third party (a colleague, neighbour or friend) who has been worried and it is recorded as “no crime” upon investigation. The majority of allegations recorded as false are withdrawn by the victim themselves.

Only 1.5% of rape allegations made to the police in 2019 resulted in charges being brought against the accused. These decisions are made by the CPS, often on the basis of there not being enough evidence to attain a conviction.

Crimes of sexual violence are underreported and you probably know victims of sexual assault, without knowing what they have been through.

Standing by an offender sends a clear message to the survivors in your life that you are willing to overlook what has been done to them too. In order to be a true ally, you need to be prepared to stand up for women, even when it means standing against your friends.

When the women in your life see you standing by offenders, it adds to their fears about reporting. Trust me.

There are situations where you might feel a sense of responsibility towards the perpetrator. You might be their parent, carer or guardian and, in this case, you should find a way to carry out your duties of care and encourage them to get help and cooperate with the investigation without enabling them or denying the severity of their crimes. You need to work it out yourself.

Actively intervene in situations

When you see women being harassed or assaulted in public, you should intervene. Be proactive.

Sometimes this means pretending to know a woman who is being harassed or pestered on public transport. Sometimes it means walking them home. Sometimes it means paying for a taxi. Do your bit to protect the women you don’t know in society.

Stop the shitty jokes

Stop laughing at jokes about rape, abuse and sexual violence. Learn about the damage they do and be vocal when you encounter them.

Accept that you will never understand

As a cis man, you will never fully understand what it feels like to be a woman. You can listen and understand and demonstrate compassion and you should. But you won’t ever fully understand all the little ways that you benefit from the patriarchy. But you can try.

Empower women

Once you start to understand the inequalities that women, especially marginalised women, face, you should start to do what you can to dismantle that every day. Here are some suggestions (but this is not an extensive list and you should always seek to do more):

• Encourage the women in your life to go for opportunities.
• Prioritise women of colour, trans women and disabled women. Understand that they face further discrimination and inequalities.
• Build their confidence. Always.
• Turn down every opportunity to speak about women’s issues.
• Normalise asking “This sounds like an excellent opportunity. How many women are involved?” and if it isn’t FIFTY percent, step down and recommend a female colleague/peer to take you place.
• If you are in a heterosexual couple, do your share of the childcare and household chores.
• Recommend the work of women in your industry.
• Proactively seek out work created by women and engage with it
• Support women in the arts
• Support women in music
• Don’t watch porn unless you are paying the woman who created it or you are absolutely positive that she was fairly paid
• Tell the women in your life how awesome you think they are
• Compliment women on their accomplishments
• Offer the women in your life support, even the ones who seem to be coping well
• Encourage women to prioritise their own needs above the needs of others
• Pass the mic. Always ask yourself “is there a woman who knows more about this than me?”
• Invest in and buy from small businesses owned by women
• Bring women into the conversation.
• Mentor women. If you have time to give and skills to pass on, find a woman who is looking to progress and help her advance
• Call attention to women’s suffering
• Donate to charities and incentives that support women
• Learn about periods and period poverty
• Thank women. Do it loudly

Many of the suggestions on this list are from this awesome article: 30 specific ways to actually empower women by Kelly Gonsalves

Be an ally when nobody is looking

You need to continue to work on being an ally when nobody else is looking. When there is absolutely no points to be scored with another woman. Times that won’t later be shared for social media clout. And times when you have to sacrifice opportunities, friendships, power or financial gain in order to do right by women.

Go out and learn more

This is just one article. Your work is not done.

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