While it’s natural to worry somewhat about losing the things you love the most, some of us worry about it so much that it means we can’t relax into the good times fully. I do feel like I’m always just waiting for something to go wrong. I know this won’t be the same for everyone, but I do know that it also affects some of my closest friends so I thought I’d stop to take a moment to share.
It’s not so much the little things either, I feel like I actively expect big tragedies to befall me. Probably has a lot to do with some of the major losses and struggles I’ve been through. And the friends who I know feel the same way about this have also been through some really tough challenges in life.
How trauma makes you brace for the worst
When you’ve survived multiple major traumas it is really hard to just relax and enjoy the positives in life.
Weirdly, the happier and more settled I feel, the more panic attacks I experience. It’s almost like my body is hyper aware of the things I value and that I am actively afraid of losing them. Maybe it’s not so weird really, but it certainly feels backwards to experience heightened anxiety when everything is going well for me.
That’s not to say that I feel chilled when things are going to shit either. You all know by now that I’ve faced some really awful things. My childhood was traumatic, I lost my Mum at 19 and I spent 3 years living with an abusive ex. None of that was easy. But the fear of things going wrong doesn’t exist when it is already all a daily struggle.
Having more to lose
Although I have to battle with post traumatic stress daily, I am proud to say that I’ve made a lot of progress in recovery. I’m fighting to get better and I’m happily engaged to the most wonderful human being I’ve ever met in my life. Life is less about pain and more about hope at last. And, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have real and valuable things to lose.
I worry constantly that something will happy to my partner and that he’ll die suddenly. However unlikely it may seem from the outside that a 31 year old man with no underlying health conditions will pass away, it’s something I worry about. I lost my Mum very suddenly and it was traumatic for me so I have this very real and very deep fear that I can lose the people I love most without warning. It’s a lot to process and something I’ll hopefully get to explore in bereavement counselling soon.
When my partner is driving or away, I do worry that something could happen to him. It’s especially difficult when I know that he struggles with depression and anxiety and has previously expressed suicidal thoughts. I’m definitely more sensitive to the prospect of death than other people (which I will 100% write about in the future because I know I’m not the only one), but there are also other contributing factors.
Traumatic stress after abuse
At this point I’ve shared my experience of abuse online many times. The way domestic violence affects survivors is complex and deeply ingrained. There are some aspects of abuse/trauma that I imagine I will be living with forever and it’s just a matter of learning to cope with it daily. Hopefully, I’ll also overcome some of the after effects completely and put them firmly behind me.
Because of the level of trauma the abuse has left me with, it’s sometimes very confusing to be in a happy, healthy loving relationship. It does feel too good to be true because I’ve had my gauge of what’s normal manipulated for so long. In reality, our relationship is just a normal and lovely relationship and we treat each other how anyone should in a partnership. But going from an abusive relationship into a healthy one has been a huge shock to my system and left me feeling like I couldn’t possibly be this lucky.
It’s really hard and I think it is a huge part of what makes me feel like I’m always bracing myself for the worst. My partner proposed to me and we’ve promised to love, support and take care of each other forever. I don’t have a history of smooth sailing for very long, which makes me think that the Universe will intervene and take this away from me somehow.
I catastrophise and visualise the worst. Always battling with intrusive thoughts that half convince me that terrible news is just around the corner. It doesn’t always involve my partner either, I worry about all my loved ones when they’re out of sight, which is why I sometimes just have to compartmentalise people and keep thoughts of them at bay completely.
Isn’t it weird the lengths our minds have to go to sometimes to protect us from pain. Anyway, I’m sure this is something I’ll learn about and explore in a more productive and structured post one day. For now, I just wanted to write a good old fashioned blog post where my thoughts and feelings just flow out in the way they need to.
Thank you so much for reading! If you made it this far, you might also be interested in reading this post I wrote about my beautiful Mum and what her life taught me about mental health.
Peace and love xox
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